RIDE THE CYCLONE (We barely see a figure with its back tothe audience in a Saint Cassian girl's tunic, as if she is lit by the faintest beam of moonlight. Although we see her body, her head seems tobe entirely missing in her silhouette.) #1 DREAM OF LIFE OPENING JANE I KNOW THIS DREAM OF LIFE IS NEVER ENDING IT GOES AROUND AND 'ROUND AND 'ROUND AGAIN YOU KNOW THE SUN IS RISING WHILE DESCENDING IT GOES ON AND ON AND NEVER ENDS (At the end JANE DOE magically disappears. In darkness ... ) #lA AMAZING KARNAK ORGAN (A mechanical fortune-telling machine is revealed, circa 1920's penny arcade. The fortuneteller is an imposing figure with a majestic beard and glowing eyes.) KARNAK Hello. I am the Amazing Karnak. This is not a boast but rather what it says on my legal patent as a precognition machine. I was designed to predict the exact cause, time, and place of someone's death. A rather morbid function, I grant you; which is precisely why I was set on "family fun novelty mode" when sold to the Wonderville traveling fairground ... Turns out ... being told the place and time of your death in front of your family, with a mouthful of corndog at a fairground, is the very opposite of fun. I can even predict my own demise. I always could -tonight in this warehouse, in a little over an hour. #lB VIRGIL BASS SOLO BEGINS (We see a projection of a rat running across the projection screen through the following text) Meet my executioner, a rat I've named Virgil. For the last two years Virgil has been steadily chewing on my power cable. In a little over an hour, Virgil shall chew his way through the rubber, biting down on two hundred volts of electricity ... instantly killing us both. As there is nothing more base than Death ... I've decided for tonight's concert, Virgil shall play the bass. (We see the life-sized version of VIRGIL, a human-sized rat who appearstodo a very skilled, short bass solo.) #2 KARNAK ORGAN PART 2/URANIUM KARNAK (CON'T) Before we begin, let m.e lay down some ground rules. The first rule: one that has baffled theatre goers since the days of Aeschylus ... the arm.rest to your left is yours; the one to your right is your neighbour's. If you believe that both arm.rests are yours exclusively ... you are part of the problem.. Also, please turn off your cell phones. I assure you that none of the calls you are about to receive will have life-altering consequences ... except for one of you ... m.y most sincere condolences. Accidents happen. (The curtains part and the choir appears.) Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Saint Cassian Chamber Choir of Uranium. City, Saskatchewan: (The choir, hunched over almost lifeless ... as they enter the stage, they seem tobe resurrecting before our eyes, Once they are in place, we get Resurrection SFX and video as they jerk back to life, ending with them snapping up into their choir formation. The piano vamp on URANIUM starts immediately.) OCEAN I thank you, dear adjudicator, for considering the Saint Cassian Chamber Choir for our senior concert. KARNAK This is them. on Monday, September 14th . OCEAN We are thrilled to be here, yet again, at the Kiwanis International singing com.petition Last year we came in second place. KARNAK They were the only choir in com.petition. OCEAN This just shows the high standards of excellence in Kiwanis -even in com.petition against yourself, you can still walk away a loser. Constance? CONSTANCE Our first song is by Father Louis P. Marcus, our choir conductor ... He was inspired by traditional African folk music-specifically The Lion King. (CONSTANCE fives a "That can't be right" expression OCEAN prompts her to continue) It's about our hometown, Uranium. Enjoy. (Throughout the first part of this movement RICKY POTTS plays the tambourine, and visibly hates every minute of it. MISCHA is barely paying attention, stealing moments to look at his phone, to the irritation of OCEAN. The choreography for this first section is that of a small town choir, imagine that it has been choreographed by an eighty-six year old Catholic priest.) OCEAN URANIUM KIDS (EXCEPT RICKY) URANIUM THAT'S OUR TOWN, OUR FRIENDLY TOWN OCEAN URANIUM KIDS (EXCEPT RICKY) URANIUM THAT'S OUR TOWN, OUR HIGHWAY TOWN NOEL KIDS (EXCEPT RICKY) THE SKY IS ALMOST BLUE HERE 000 GRAIN ELEVATORS TOO HERE 000 KIDS (EXCEPT RICKY) THE PRIDE AND JOY OF SWEET SASKATCHEWAN CONSTANCE KIDS (EXCEPT RICKY) WE CAME HERE FOR 000 THE HALF-LIFE STAYED HERE FOR 000 OUR WHOLE LIFE KIDS (EXCEPT RICKY) TO GIVE THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD PLUTONIUM OCEAN URANIUM KIDS (EXCEPT RICKY) URANIUM THAT'S OUR TOWN, OUR FRIENDLY TOWN OHNONO WE WILL NEVER LEA VE THIS TOWN AT ALL #3 MINOR TURN (The lights shifts starkly and the children float around space in bewildered unease) KARNAK Tonight I shall speak of these teenagers, whose tales ended abruptly on a roller coaster in a small Canadian town in the middle of nowhere. The former Saint Cassian Chamber Choir. KIDS (EXCEPT JANE) LA LALA LALA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LALALALALA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA KARNAK And my part in this story .. .I read all of the children's fortunes .. .I felt their hopes, thoughts, dreams, knowing they would board the doomed roller coaster and could tell them nothing. I even suggested that they ride the Cyclone. On Monday, September 14th, they would board the Cyclone roller coaster at 6:17pm. At 6:19pm this same roller coaster's front axle would break causing it to derail at the apex of the loop-de-loop, hurtling the children to their deaths. KIDS (EXCEPT JANE) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAH KIDS (EXCEPT JANE CONT'D) AH-AAAAAAAH AND THEN YOU'RE SAILING THROUGH SP ACE YOU DON'T KNOW UP FROM DOWN AND YOU FEEL A LITTLE STRANGE FROM ALL THAT SPINNING 'ROUND AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVED AND EVERYTHING YOU DREAMED AND EVERYTHING YOU FEARED AND EVERYTHING THAT SEEMED SO OH SO TERRIFYING (band echo) IT'S FAR BEHIND, ON THE GROUND LIKE OUR FAR FROM THE CITY LITTLE ITTY BITTY PRETTY HOMETOWN JUST A TEENY TINY DOT, ON A WEE BLUE BALL AND WE'VE ALL BEEN SPINNING ... BOYS ALL BEEN SPINNING KIDS ROUND 'N ROUND 'N ROUND 'N ROUND 'N ROUND, ROUND 'N ROUND, 'N ROUND 'N ROUND 'N ROUND 'N ROUND 'N ROUND, WOO! BOYS URA.NIUM URA.NIUM THE SMART ONES ALL PACKED UP AND WENT WHY STAY IF YOU CAN'T PAY THE RENT WE WILL NEVER LEA VE THIS TOWN AT ALL GIRLS EMPTY STREETS OF EMPTY SHOPS SHUTTERED ROWS OF MOM AND POPS BOW DOWN TO THE MEGA SHOPPING MALL URA.NIUM URANIUM KIDS DRINK SOME BREW, JOIN THE CHOIR BUILD YOURSELF A FUNERAL PYRE URANIUM OUR DEAD IN DIVE WE'LL NEVER LEA VE THIS TOWN ALIVE NO WE WILL NEVER LEA VE THIS TOWN AT ALL! KARNAK Greetings children, it's time to play! KIDS EARTH IS SKY AND SKY IS GROUND (Whispered) DID WE FINALLY LEA VE OUR TOWN? (The children stand gobsmacked, huddled together.) OCEAN Where are we? (SFX: KARNAK START-UP) MECHANICAL VOICE (SFX) You have inserted t-t-t-t-two .. .loonies! KARNAK! He sees the future! OCEAN (to KARNAK) Look, what is this, what is happening?! KARNAK Meet Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg, (SFX: MEET OCEAN, [lo-fl midway sound] Catchphrase: (OCEAN in a light special, forms an OCEAN pose.) OCEAN Democracy rocks! (SFX: Wind sound, light restores. ) What the heck was that? KARNAK Your catchphrase. In the interest of the expedition of time, I've taken the liberty of choreographing a few of your moves in advance. Don't bore us; get to the chorus. Our time together is limited. OCEAN You said 'play' earlier. What exactly are we playing? Is this a game? (SFX: SELECT GAME MODE .... [lo-fl midway sound] KARNAK Ocean has selected game mode!! (Group grumbles.) OCEAN What? (to CHOIR) Guys, I really didn't .... (Directly) What game? (A prize wall is exposed with crushed cigarette, Hello Kitty Cupcake, and Iron Maiden T-Shirt.) KARNAK A game with fabulous prizes: Like a stale pack of Menthol Kools. (SFX: CELLPHONE) KARNAK (CONT'D) A deep-fried Hello Kitty cupcake!! (SFX: CUPCAKE) This limited-edition Iron Maiden t-shirt still ripe with the pong of the carnie that wore it. (SFX: T-SHIRT) OCEAN Look, what is going on?! KARNAK Perhaps you might be interested. (SFX: GRAND PRIZE) -in the grand prize, Ocean? One worthy contestant will be brought back to life, to live beyond the Cyclone accident. (Behind the curtain a blinding white light, and a tunnel of smoke ... a howling wind can be heard ...) #4 THE OTHER SIDE KIDS SOMEWHERE SUNRISE BEGINS ANOTHER DAY BEGINS ANOTHER DAY (The curtain drops) KARNAK The grand prize -to live again. CONSTANCE That's way better than a Hello Kitty cupcake. KARNAK Meet Constance Blackwood. (SFX: MEET CONSTANCE, MIDWAY SOUND) KARNAK (CONT'D) Catchphrase: CONSTANCE Sorry ... (SFX & LX: Wind and restore LX.) (The following interchange moves at an incredible speed.) OCEAN Why only one of us, why not all of us? KARNAK Sadly, I've only ever possessed the power to bring one back to life. OCEAN What do we have to do to be brought back to life? KARNAK "The one who wants to win it the most shall redeem the loser-in order to complete the whole." OCEAN That doesn't make any sense. KARNAK I trade mostly in prophecies that don't make any sense--until they actually do. OCEAN I take it you are the judge? (SFX: SAD BASSOON) KARNAK It appears Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg has used up the group's three questions for this evening. (ALL except OCEAN & CONSTANCE audibly grunt, but not cartoonishly.) NOEL (Under his breath) Even in death I can't escape her. She followed me to the afterlife. Well played Satan, well played. KARNAK Meet Noel Gruber: (SFX: MEET NOEL) Aspiring poet laureate. Catchphrase? #4A NOEL'S CATCHPHRASE NOEL Being the only gay man in a small rural high school is kind of like having a laptop in the Stone Age. I mean sure you can have one, but there's nowhere to plug it in. (SFX & LX: Wind and restore LX) OCEAN But that's not fair, you didn't tell me there were only three questions. KARNAK I believe I did. After the fact. MISCHA (To himself, under his breath) Yo! I can't get no Wi-Fi up in this bitch. KARNAK Meet Mischa Bachinski. (SFX: MEET MISCHA) Ukrainian bad boy. Catchphrase: #4B MISCHA'S CATCHPHRASE MISCHA My gangsta persona is just armor to conceal that I am a naked child wandering through the wilderness, holding in my hands my wounded fragile heart. (MISCHA does a delicate pirouette to the last phrase of the music) (SFX: Wind & light restore.He snaps out of it, recovering.) MISCHA (CONT'D) (To himself, humiliated) That was emasculating. RICKY Story of my life brother. (Kids gasp) CONSTANCE Oh my god Ricky! You can talk! RICKY That's nothing ... watch this ... (Ricky does literally any virtuosic party trick that the performer can offer: magic, juggling, the splits, guitar shred, anything ... to show that Ricky immediately knows that this world has no boundaries) KARNAK Meet Richard Potts. (SFX: MEET RICKY) Town dreamer. Catchphrase: #4C RICKY'S CATCHPHRASE RICKY (Reverb, big sound like a video game) Level up! (SFX: Wind & light restore. RICKY snaps out of it.) OCEAN This couldn't possibly get any weirder ... KARNAK I'm under the firm belief that it always can ... Allow me to introduce you to the mystery contestant. .. #5 JANE DOE'S ENTRANCE (The curtain slowly rises spilling with smoke. JANE DOE is revealed. A haunting figure with blond dolly locks, white face, and black eyes. She clutches a headless doll. ... JANE moves like a marionette with broken strings. For haunting effect, her mic has (long tail of hall) reverb on it. Which continues throughout the entire show.) (Sing talking, child-like) Jane Doe is what the coroner said, They found my body, not my head, No parents came, and so they Never learned ... My name, or who I used to be. My life, an unsolved mystery. From ashes I was made, and ashes I return. And so I walk alone and wonder Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? 000000000 000000000 AHHHH AHHHH 000000000 000000000 AHHHH AHHHH 0000 00000 JANE ENSEMBLE ENSEMBLE (CONT'D) 0000 00000 AHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHHH (Lights restore, the kids stare at her slack jawed. JANE stares fixed at CONSTANCE.) CONSTANCE Did anybody just pee themselves a little? (Beat) Me neither. JANE (to CONSTANCE) Do you want to brush my dolly's hair? CONSTANCE (to OCEAN) I'm really freaked out right now! JANE Do you want to know what really freaks me out? CONSTANCE Mmmm ... not-really-ever-at-all-really-sorry. KARNAK Meet Jane Doe. Catchphrase: (Lights suddenly down only on JANE.) #SA JANE'S CATCHPHRASE JANE (In one breath, should time out with music) When a lioness has children, she stops making love to the lion. The lion gets jealous, sometimes so jealous he eats the children. You'd think this would upset the lioness. Far from it, they make love again, like the children never existed. I find that idea terrifying. (BEAT) CONSTANCE I'm going to stand a little farther away from you, okay? #SB SNARE ROLL (Lights circle around the theatre, CONSTANCE runs over to OCEAN, JANE follows her, OCEAN runs over to KARNAK, CONSTANCE follows OCEAN. An the end of the snare the follow spot lands on OCEAN) KARNAK Ocean Rosenberg ... you are first. OCEAN Why? KARNAK Alas, if only you hadn't burned off those three questions right at the top. OCEAN It's just, when you tie the room together ... I think Constance is going to seem like the natural choice for that slot. CONSTANCE You want me to go first? OCEAN Oh, if you insist, um ... Mister Whatever? I think Constance and I are going to tradesies. KARNAK (Flatly) No tradesies. OCEAN (Without skipping a beat) Well I'm happy about that actually. Sure, I'll go first. I just want to say two things ... First, I don't know how it is in your culture, but in ours, playing games where peoples' lives are on the table? Super illegal. Second, so inspiring. That a man encased in a literal box, has learned to think outside of it. (claps) #6 OCEAN'S BUMPER (The bumpers are moments when the specified character approachesKARNAK to have their fortune read while he narrates, underscored by thematic music relevant to the character. The rest of the characters rearrange the scene and also participate in a visual retelling of the mini-biography.) KARNAK Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg, born December 22nd , Capricorn, the ambitious nature. (OCEAN pulls KARNAK'S lever. The first photo montage occurs, with SFX. The photo montage is a flurry of portraits of character from babyhood to seventeen.) Favorite ride: the Bumper Cars. (OCEAN does a bumper car gesture) Ocean was born into a family of far left-of-center humanists who moved to Northern Saskatchewan to live a carbon-free lifestyle. (JANE & MISCHA enter as OCEAN'S parents, hippy dancing. JANE is still lost. [No matter what character she is playing, so does the role stiffly.]) The hemp needle-point sign above the household's toilet read: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown ... scoop it out with your hand and put it in the compost". Yet in between all the drum circles, Marxist parables, and cheese sandwiches made of human breast milk. .. Ocean could never shake the feeling she was the white sheep of her family. It was only at the age of eight, when she found amongst her parents' record collection an album called "Up with People" ... (CONSTANCE, NOEL & RICKY enter with matching ties and collars as in Up With People! ... super chirpy.) The cloying positivity of this pro-capitalist gaggle of teen crooners brought tears to her eyes. Perhaps the peppiest thing Halliburton has ever produced. High school president, straight-A student, Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg ... the most successful girl in town. OCEAN Judges, student body, colleagues, friends ... ominous novelty machine ... I had a speech prepared for this very occasion, but I simply cannot read it. (She rips a piece of paper.) MISCHA (To Noel) How could she have speech for this? OCEAN I am just going to speak from my heart. I've known most of these folks since pre-K ... I love them all ... Constance Blackwood, my best friend forever, my BFF . (CONSTANCE is sitting next to JANE who has locked eyes with her, giving her the thousand mile stare) CONSTANCE Ocean, she's . OCEAN Don't interrupt, sweetie. Constance is the salt of the earth ... Our 1Mary Main-Street 1 looking for her 1Joe Six-Pack 1 Sure, she has some serious self-esteem issues, why wouldn't she? That's why I formed an improv duo, as a confidence building exercise.sound off! CONSTANCE & OCEAN (Performing a pre-rehearsed physical routine) Unlock the Power of the Positive! U-POP! CONSTANCE We get pretty crazy sometimes ... OCEAN Constance Eleanor Blackwood. You know I find the word 1crazy1 offensive. CONSTANCE (Gritting teeth) That's why Ocean scripts all our improvs in advance. OCEAN My time, Constance, my time ... (She sits her back next to JANE, who locks eyes with her again while CONSTANCE grimaces) OCEAN (CONT'D) Look, I've seen enough reality TV to get what you want us to do here ... Who's the best? I mean sure, grades, humanitarian efforts, extracurricular activities, prestigious university, spiritual mastery of both Judaism. and Catholicism-Nailed m.y Confirmation and Bat Mitzvah, in the same week. And I'm. not even bragging about that because it's against m.y Buddhist beliefs .. .I am. the best here, by any metric of society, I get that. ... (trembling voice breaking with emotion, she is moved by herself being moving) ... but if that's how worth is measured, I want no part of it! Look. .. some of us are left wing, some of us are right wing ... but the last time I checked it takes two wings to fly!! We are comm.unity! We are Family! We are the World! (CONSTANCE claps enthusiastically, kids grudgingly clap.almost a Pavlovian response to OCEAN1s many speeches in their high school.) (SFX: SAD BASSOON #2 OCEAN CONCEDES) KARNAK Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg heroically concedes. OCEAN (Ice) She does what?! KARNAK I respect you taking the moral high ground. Next. #7 WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS OCEAN I'm. just trying to prove to you that I'm. a good person! KARNAK Duly noted. Next. OCEAN (sung) NO!NO!NO! I'm. urging you to make the responsible choice here. For the betterment of humanity. OCEAN (CONT'D) WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS IS PEOPLE LIKE ME TO KEEP IT ALL SPINNING AROUND I'M THE MOVER, I'M THE SHAKER I'M THE HEADLINE MAKER MMM, I GET UP, I GET UP AND NO ONE'S GOING TO GONNA KEEP ME DOWN (General smarmy rap, seemingly to no one in particular, but obviously referring to the individual kids.) OKAY. . .IT'S CLEAR, I'M THE TOP OF THIS CLASS THESE FOLKS HERE, WELL THEY PUMP THE GAS FETCH ME A COFFEE, SHINE MY SHOES SOME OF US ARE WINNERS, SOME WERE BORN TO LOSE YOU GOT THE SANDWICH ARTIST, THE SECURITY GUARD? THE WALMART GREETER WITH AN OVERDRAWN CREDIT CARD HE "SMOKES GANJA", 000, IT'S SO GROOVY TO STAY AT HOME AND WATCH A TRANSFORMER MOVIE? SHE SERVES ME COKE AND A MEDIUM FRIES AND NO THANKS, I DON'T WANT IT SUPERSIZED 'CAUSE THAT'S LOWCLASS, DIABETES IN A CUP KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN AND THINGS WILL LOOK UP KIDS WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS IS PEOPLE LIKE ME TO KEEP IT ALL SPINNING AROUND I'M THE MOVER, I'M THE SHAKER KIDS (CONT'D) I'M THE HEADLINE MAKER OCEAN MMM,IGETUP CONSTANCE SHE GETS UP OCEAN I GETUP AND NO ONE'S GONNA KEEP ME DOWN (to MISCHA in particular) OCEAN (CONT'D) SERIOUSLY? THIS ONE HERE? HE'S RARIN' TO FAIL? HE'LL ROB A SEVEN ELEVEN, AND GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL MAYBE STEAL HUBCAPS, MAYBE STEAL BOOZE? EXPRESSING HIMSELF WITH HIS HOMEMADE TATTOOS! (to CONSTANCE) SOCCER MOM, MINIVAN FOUR LITTLE BRATS, NO STEADY MAN DO WE REALLY NEED ANOTHER ORGAN DONOR? (Spoken) Maybe that was a little harsh? Love you! (to RICKY in particular) AH NOO, COMIC BOOKS? SPIDERMAN? THIS KID DOESN'T HA VE AN ATTENTION SPAN NEVER REALLY HEARD FROM, ONLY EVER SEEN (Whispered aside) We're bringin' back the dude who plays the tambourine?! KIDS WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS IS PEOPLE LIKE ME TO KEEP IT ALL SPINNING AROUND I'M THE MOVER, I'M THE SHAKER KIDS (CONT'D) I'M THE HEADLINE MAKER OCEAN MMM,IGETUP ENSEMBLE SHE GETS UP OCEAN I GETUP! AND NO ONE'S GONNA KEEP ME DOWN OCEAN (CONT'D) AND AS WE MOVE THROUGH LIFE TO FIND OUR PLACE IN THE CROWD ENSEMBLE 00000 SOME DON'T MAKE THE CUT, THAT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR-0 OCEAN OH YES, OH YES, OH ISN'T SOMEONE KEEPING SCORE? I'VE GOT TO SAY IT OUT SO LOUD? OCEAN IMEAN DO WE REALLY NEED ANOTHER ZERO? OR ZERO? OR ZERO? OR ZERO? OR ZERO? ENSEMBLE DO WE REALLY NEED ANOTHER ZERO? OR ZERO? OR ZERO? OR ZERO? OR ZERO? OCEAN ADD 'EM ALL UP, AND YOU'LL STILL GET ZERO WHAT YOU REALLY NEED IS A FUTHER MUCKIN' HERO ENSEMBLE ANDOHOH OCEAN HE'LL NEVER LEARN TO READ ENSEMBLE ANDOHOH OCEAN HE'S NEVER GONNA BREED ENSEMBLE ANDOHOH OCEAN GOING TO JAIL GUARANTEED KIDS (EXCEPT JANE) AND SHE'S A FREAKY MONSTER ENSEMBLE YES, THERE'S A PROBLEM OCEAN I'M THE SOLUTION DARWIN HAD A THEORY CALLED ... (patronizingly coaxing choir along) ENSEMBLE EVOLUTION? OCEAN HE PUT IT INTO WORDS BUT IT'S PLAIN TO SEE WE NEED A LITTLE LESS OF THEM, A LITTLE MORE OF ME! OCEAN (Adlibs, freestyle belts) ME MEMEMEME MEMEMEME OHOH OHME RICKY/MISCHA WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS IS PEOPLE LIKE ME TO KEEP IT ALL SPINNING AROUND RICKY/MISCHA (CONT'D) I'M THE MOVER, I'M THE SHAKER, I'M THE HEADLINE MAKER MMM, SHE GETS UP CONSTANCF/JANF/NOEL WE CAN'T ALL BE HEROES NO MOST OF US? OCEAN ME A LITTLE BIT MORE OFME I GETUP I GETUP OCEAN'S GONNA TAKEYOU DOWN DOWN RICKY/MISCHA SHE GETS UP! OH WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS IS PEOPLE LIKE ME TO KEEP IT ALL SPINNIN' AROUND I'M THE MOVER I'M THE SHAKER I'M THE HEADLINE MAKER MMM, SHE GETS UP! SHE GETS UP! SOME STAY DOWN CONSTANCLF/JANF/NOEL WE CAN'T ALL BE HEROES NO MOST OF US? CONSTANCF/JANF/NOEL (CONT'D) ZERO-OHS SOME FLY HIGH SHE GETS UP SOME STAY DOWN (OCEA~ who's still in her button pose-atop a human pyramid of her classmates, looks down.) OCEAN (viciously/competitively) What a rush! Who's next? KARNAK Perhaps now would be a good time to say that whoever is brought back to life, will be brought back by unanimous vote from each and every member of the choir. OCEAN (face goes white) What? KARNAK Whoever comes back needs a unanimous vote from the choir. OCEAN But if I would have known that- KARNAK You wouldn't have called every one of your potential judges a loser, crowing about your superiority in song, culminating in you standing on top of them in a human pyramid? That did strike me as an unorthodox strategy. (Kids break out of human pyramid, glaring at OCEAN) OCEAN (to NOEL) What? NOEL What?! You just told your "best friend 11 that her greatest achievement in life will be to become an organ donor. CONSTANCE (head tilt, hearing the insult for the first time) I'm usually more of a melody person, less of a lyric person-truthfully ... "Organ donor 11? Is that what you said? OCEAN I was in the moment ... sorry Constance, I didn't mean- CONSTANCE Aw, it's okay ... it kinda really super hurts but. #7 A JANE SUPER HURTS JANE Do you want to know what I find kind of really super hurts? (Constance politely slinks away from Jane's touch) CONSTANCE Maybe later thanks. Sorry. OCEAN What I did there is exactly what you shouldn't do in this competition. You guys know I love you! (to MISCHA) Mischa, I love you! I even pretended to believe in your imaginary fiance! MISCHA She is not my imaginary fiance, she is my real fiance -on my telephone. OCEAN I even celebrate your culturally engrained alcoholism ... I mean the only reason you're in the choir is because you stole three boxes of communion wine. MISCHA It was my cousin's birthday ... (proudly) MISCHA (CONT'D) In my country it is sacred tradition to take drink on birthday! OCEAN Your cousin was in grade four. He had to get his stomach pumped. (searchingly, to NOEL) Noet I love you! You challenged my preconceived notion that all gay dudes are fun to be around ... (NOEL looks directly at the audience shaking his head bemused.) (desperately, to RICKY) Ricky, I love you Lil' Sweetie! RICKY Don't call me Lil' Sweetie. OCEAN I got you into the choir ... even though you couldn't talk. I mean, you got to play the tambourine. RICKY No one gets to play the tambourine. They're always madeto. No one's going home with the tambourine guy. OCEAN (to JANE) And her ... (dripping with contempt) so even that thing gets a vote tonight, huh? (Quickly shifting to positivity) But I love her! My song was a cautionary tale of hubris-you guys know I love you! (angry) OCEAN (CONT'D) I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I freakin' love YOU OKAY! So for my realnumber I'm going to sing about how much I love you guys ... this song is simply called, "I Love You Guys". #8 I LOVE YOU GUYS ROLL I LOVE YOU GUYS. (The followspot swings over to NOEL.) NOEL (To the heavens) URGH! Sweet Jesus Christ on a bike, make her stop! #9 NOEL'S BUMPER KARNAK Noel Gruber, born March 5th, Pisces: sign of passion. (NOEL pulls KARNAK 1s side lever. A linearphotomontage of baby pictures, child pictures, young teen, to current yearbook photo.) Favorite ride: the ferris wheel. Very early on in Noel's life ... his mother realized two things. (Beat) The second was his penchant for all things nihilistic. (Ricky enters with a wand, zapping imaginary wizards) While other children acted out Harry Potter, Noel acted out French New Wave Cinema. (NOEL grabs RICKY'S wand breaksit and takes a drag from it, 1 using it as cigarette) In Grade seven ... during the Saint Cassian Christmas Nativity pageant, Noel was suspended for suddenly breaking into this excerpt from "Waiting for Godot". KIDS 000000000 000000000 0000000 (NOEL, CONSTANCE and JANE DOE put on Shepards hats.) NOEL There is no room at this Inn, for it is Christmas ... (as Didi, French accent) Shall we hang ourselves? JANE (as Goga, French accent) I hear it gives you an erection. NOEL (as Didi, French accent) Then we must hang ourselves ... immediately. (Stark light shift and unsettling wind blows as Noel glares at the audience intensely and smokes an imaginary cigarette. A long uncomfortable silence.) CONSTANCE (Finally... as Mary ... desperately uncomfortable, imagining her parents watching in the audience) Or ... we could just go to the manger, Joseph. (MUSIC continues) KARNAK Aspiring Iconoclast, enfant terrible ... Noel Gruber, the most romantic boy in town. NOEL I've seen the movie the Blue Angel about a billion and one times .... If there is something better on this earth than Marlene Dietrich playing Lola Lola (the heartless booze hound harlot) I don't even want to hear about it .... I tried to go as her every year for Halloween-I always chickened out ... And I'd go as something like C3P-O ... but in my heart, I was Lola Lola, dressed up as C3P-0 ... that was always my Halloween costume's subtext. Mom tells me I've got to try to blend in, so I tried really hard to dial it back. .. I had to ... we live in a town where every year on July 11th when Seven Eleven gives out free Slurpees it's like seriously, the major cultural event of the year .... I'm not even making a joke right now. It's like, a Slurpee Woodstock. I was born in the wrong town, the wrong country, the wrong era! I wanted to feel, goddamn it. I wanted bad love. I wanted a man that would drive me to drink. I craved dissipation. I wanted to wake up in an alleyway in my own vomit, missing teeth. I wanted to drink myself to death on the cup of life ... "Anyone who hasn't experienced the ecstasy of betrayal knows nothing about ecstasy at all.11Jean Genet. I was a sexual provocateur and a novelist, who never wrote a novel. .. or had sex .... (A slide comes up of NOEL in a Taco Bell uniform.) NOEL (Slightly horrified) What's that? KARNAK I was hoping you could tell me. NOEL No! (muttering) I worked at the Taco Bell, in the food court of the Mega Mall just outside Uranium City. (defeated) I had to work somewhere, we had no money. I was saving up to move to France. KARNAK They named a meal after your passing, "The Noel Gruber Hungry Hombre Meal". They catered your funeral for free. They even played Christina Aguilera' s "Beautiful" on the bagpipes. NOEL I only said I liked that song once. Ironically ... a joke was my final song. All those wasted hours in that horrible mall dreaming of . KARNAK I feel this is a perfect occasion for a song about affordable Mexican cuisine. Cue the mariachi band! NOEL I don't want to sing a song about that! OCEAN Oh! Oh! If he doesn't want to sing, I will! I will! NOEL Goddammit! Can you keep it in your pants for two seconds, you horrible Succubus. (During this next speech, NOEL removes his clothing to reveal lingerie and puts on a wig. He transforms into a Louise Brooks femme fatale, wearing fishnet stockings and high heels.) #10 NOEL'S LAMENT (Pause) Fine! In my life I was Noel Gruber who worked at Taco Bell in Uranium City, Saskatchewan, but... in my dreams ... I played a different role. I was Monique Gibeau in Post-War France ... A HOOKER WITH A HEART ... OF BLACK CHARCOAL! (Accordion riff) I WRITE POEMS TO BURN BY FIRELIGHT DRINK CHAMP AGNE AND GUZZLE GIN GOOD GIRLS CALL ME THE TOWN BICYCLE DON'T KNOCK IT 'TIL YOU'VE TRIED MY LIFE OF SIN (Accordion riff) NOEL (CONT'D) OH, CLAUDE, MY PIMP KNOWS NEVER MESS WITH ME LAST PRICK DID THAT FADED QUICK, TO BLACK "I HA VE NO IDEA WHERE TO FIND HIM OFFICERS" BUT IF YOU DO PLEASE MENTION THAT I'D LIKE TO HA VE RETURNED THE PRETTY KNIFE THAT I STUCK TEN! TIMES IN! HIS! BACK (Pause. Then accordion riff) FOR I SING SONGS UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN I EMBRACE A NEW MAN EVERY NIGHT MY LIFE'S ONE NEVER-ENDING CARNIVAL KIDS A WHIRL OF BOOZY, FLOOZY FLASHING LIGHT NOEL I WANT TO BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRL (Accordion riff into a panto dance between NOEL {as Monique} and MISCHA {as her suitor}. Itfeels like an old black and white silent film. They meet on the street. MISCHA lights NOEL's cigarette. MISCHA gives NOEL a rose. NOEL takes the rose, smells it and pricks his finger on the thorn. MISCHA suggestively kisses the finger. NOEL slaps him in the face.) (This turns MISCHA and NOEL on, they tango and kiss.) (Another accordion riff.) NOEL (While still in MISCHA's arms) HE SAID, "I THINK I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU" I'VE HEARD THAT LIE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE OH, BUT TONIGHT I GIVE INTO THE FANTASY TAKE LOVE WHEN YOU CAN, WHEN YOU'RE A WHORE (Accordion riff) GIRLS 0000000000 0000000000 000000000000 NOEL FOR I SING SONGS UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN I EMBRACE A NEW MAN EVERY NIGHT MY LIFE'S ONE NEVER-ENDING CARNIVAL KIDS A WHIRL OF BOOZY, FLOOZY FLASHING LIGHT NOEL I WANT TO BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRL ... (There is an extended piano riff, during which NOEL further descends into pathetic melancholy rubato) SO NOW I SELL MY LOVE FOR. .. OPIUM IN SOME RAT INFESTED SLATTERN DIVE AT NIGHT I BURN MYSELF WITH CIGARETTES JUST TO SOMEHOW PROVE I'M STILL ALIVE ... GIRLS 0000000000 0000000000 000000000000 NOEL EIGHT MONTHS LATER, I CATCH TYPHOID FLU KICKED OUT I SEE THE UGLY LIGHT OF DAY (Slower) NOEL (CONT'D) DYING IN AN ALLEY A PRIEST KNEELS DOWN TO ME ENSEMBLE AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAH RICKY (as priest, French accent) My child, do you have any final words to the Lord you'd like to say? NOEL (as Monique) Oui! Tell him that, like him, I choose to burn out rather than fade away ... (Accordion riff into slow gypsy-style buildup. Eventually building to a total frenzy. The staging should accent beats 1 & 5 {indicated in the underlined words}). FOR. I. SING. SONGS UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN ! EMBRACE A NEW MAN EVERY NIGHT MY LIFE'S ONE NEVER ENDING CARNIVAL A WHIRL OF BOOZY FLOOZY FLASHING LIGHT FOR I SING. SONGS UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN ! EMBRACE A NEW MAN EVERY NIGHT MY LIFE'S ONE NEVER ENDING CARNIVAL KIDS A WHIRL OF BOOZY FLOOZY FLASHING LIGHT NOEL I WANT TO ... BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRL! (Total frenzy with tambourines, clapping on the downbeats, shouting on upbeats, with NOEL riffing on top.) 32 NOEL (CONT'D) TO BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRRRRRRL! (~6 timesand riffing) GIRLS BROKEN HEART, A FLASK OF GIN TATTOO 1D WITH A SAFETY PIN TEETH ALL STAINED WITH NICOTINE RUNNING NYLONS, SHATTERED DREAMS SUPER CRUSTY, HOLY TERROR WILD EYES AND BAD MASCARA BROKEN HEART, A FLASK OF GIN TATTOO 1D WITH A SAFETY PIN TEETH ALL STAINED WITH NICOTINE RUNNING NYLONS, SHATTERED DREAMS SUPER CRUSTY, HOLY TERROR WILD EYES AND BAD MASCARA AHHHH GUYS HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY AHHHH NOEL IF I COULD HA VE JUST ONE DREAM .. ENSEMBLE IF HE COULD HA VE JUST ONE DREAM .. NOEL I'D BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRL ENSEMBLE FUCKED UP GIRL HEY! MISCHA (As applause fades, NOEL stares at MISCHA wondering what his response will be ... will he say something horrible?) That ... Was ... (Suddenly super enthusiastic) Dope! Yo! (To RICKY) Ricky! You play squeeze keys mad wicked awesome. RICKY Heightened abilities. I can play the accordion now. (Plays skilled accordion solo) Level up! OCEAN I champion Noel's journey of sexual discovery ... but he dropped the -bomb, in the actual chorus!? #11 SPOOKY JANE FORNICATION (LX Tight special on JANE.) JANE FORNICATION UNDER CONSENT OF THE KING (JANE, standing on a crate, rest her hand on CONSTANCE shoulder. A chill goes through CONSTANCE's body.) CONSTANCE ... why? CONSTANCE (CONT'D) (CONSTANCE politely slinks away from JANE's hand, towards OCEAN) Welt I liked the part where the two boys kissed. MISCHA What? In my country, it is natural for two men to show affection by kissing. (beat)Not always in heels ... OCEAN There's a difference between affection and smut. NOEL Not in my bible baby. Bonsoir! #llA BONSOIR! (Curtain shuts down on NOEL.) OCEAN So, is everybody's song going to have profanity in the chorus? MISCHA Mine will only have profanity in chorus. CONSTANCE (Belly laughs, then stops cold when OCEAN looks at her) Noooooo. OCEAN (to MISCHA) Why don't YOU go text your imaginary girlfriend? MISCHA I tell you before, there is no wi-fi, Little Orphan A-hole. OCEAN Noel didn't even talk about anything real. It was just a song about him wanting to be a sex worker in the old-fashioned days ... what is even the moral in his song anyway? What does it teach you? What's the lesson? ... KARNAK Not every story has a lesson, Ocean. OCEAN (Like her entire worldview is being crushed) Nooooooo. (Adamant, slightly hysterical) Every story has a lesson ... every story! #12 EVERY STORY'S GOT A LESSON OCEAN KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN/NOEL) EVERY STORY'S GOT A LESSON (WHISTLING) A SIMPLE MORAL TO BE TOLD ALTHOUGH A TALE MAY TWIST AND TURN KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN & NOEL) THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING YOU CAN LEARN OCEAN A NUGGET OF WISDOM, SOLID GOLD KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN & NOEL) SOLID GOLD (music continues) OCEAN Constance, improv scenario lesson number 76! CONSTANCE Right now?! OCEAN Right now! Scenario 76. "The Cinderella kid"! (CONSTANCE and OCEAN spin around. SFX Harp Gliss as they spin around. OCEAN magically produces a sparkly wand) AND SCENE! (A la Glinda the Good Witch in an afterschool special) Behold! I am your Fairy Godmother. What's wrong? 36 CONSTANCE I dunno. I just feel depressed and unmotivated lately. (As if she's reading from the counsellor's pamphlet) Like, I might do and/ or deal recreational drugs. OCEAN Don't do and/ or deal recreational drugs! You want to know my secret to a purpose driven life? CONSTANCE (Flatly) Oh boy do I. OCEAN Make a "to-do" list everyday. And make sure you do everything on that list. CONSTANCE (Mime writing in air) Check! OCEAN You see, you're succeeding already! OCEAN & CONSTANCE (scripted laughter together) Ha!Ha!Ha! OCEAN Life's easy peasy lemon squeezy! When you .... OCEAN & CONSTANCE "Unlock the Power of the Positive!" (OCEAN does a wand drop, in the style of a mic drop.) CONSTANCE (Air writing, impishly) To Do. Help the biker up the road make crystal meth, so you can do and/ or deal recreational drugs! OCEAN STOP! STOP! OCEAN (CONT'D) (Seething but trying to conceal it) What the heck was that?! That is certainly not what I not what I scripted in this scenario! CONSTANCE (Trying to hold laughter) I always thought that would be a funnier ending ... like your motivational motivator, accidentally motivated my character to ... like actually do drugs ... (Dwindling into nervous laughter) Your character is all like "be motivated you!" and my character is all like "If you says so, motivational person" And like I'll go out and do all the drugs in like ... the ... entire .... (OCEAN's face is complete stone as Constance fades ... ) You're mad? Sorry, look, I'm still distracted. I'm still thinking about the time those two boys kissed. MISCHA (Morally outraged) What?! Just 'cause I am rock hard, real man doesn't mean I have not seen an entire season of RuPaul's Drag Racer. Don't even try to put Mischa Bachinski in a box. Because I'll always break out of that shit, Hunties! Enough! Let's get this party started! Make money! Make Rain! (Throws pennies and crap out of his pockets.) #12A MISCHA'S BUMPER KARNAK Mischa Bachinski, born August 18th, Leo, sign of aggression. (MISCHA pulls the KARNAK lever... photomontage of baby to his current age.) Favorite ride: the Beer Garden. (MISCHA mimes drinking a beer. CONSTANCE enters as his mother) Mischa was conceived in a little town outside Odessa in Ukraine by a factory worker named Tamara. His mother, after being part of the clean up crew in Chernobyl, was dying of prolonged exposure to Uranium. (She hugs him and he waves goodbye) KARNAK (CONT'D) Wanting her son to be safe, she decided to put him up for adoption-forging his birth certificate, she claimed he was two years old, and was recently potty trained. (OCEAN and NOEL play MISHA'S straight laced adoptive parents, they act out the following narration) When Mischa came to Canada, his adoptive parents were surprised to see their toddler had five o'clock shadow, and a slight trace of alcohol on his breath. They put him in the basement and his adoptive mother would prepare food and leave it for him on the top of the stairs. On the rare occasion he would run into his new parents-the mother would weep, and the father would shoo him away like a horsefly. (MISCHA magically produces a wireless microphone) So began an inexhaustible rage. He turned to the last bastion of pure strength and masculinity in society: self-aggrandizing commercialized hiphop. This is how Mischa became, the angriest boy in town. MISCHA (Into wireless mic) Yo! I want to talk about feeling. Ukrainian men have two emotion: Rage! And Passion. People always be hating on me and my mad skillz, 'cause I am best rapper in all of North Eastern Saskatchewan. Grab yo dicks if you in the 306! Brah! You might know me as 'Bad Egg' on the YouTube. I'm well known there. That's where I met my shorty, Talia. She's from Kiev, from my country, and she gave me mostly positive feedback on my YouTube comment wall ... and then we became mad passionate all-night lovers on Facebook, Twitter ... we made love with each other in my native language on all of the social media networks. She is now my fiance ..... we were engaged ... I was saving up to move back to Ukraine and we were going to .. . (he gets emotional) Too much passion ... now Rage! I have no respect for this country! Fact: you want to know what Canada is leading supplier of, to whole world? Two things: mustard seeds ... and Uranium. That's great for hotdogs, yes ... but not so good for Ukraine. So thank you for killing my mother. And for indirectly killing me. I feel the rage, and when I rage, I rap about money ... in auto-tune. (accusingly at anyone who laughs) MISCHA (CONT'D) Auto-tune will never die. Hit the beat. #13 THIS SONG IS AWESOME (Tiiis song is a HEAVILY auto-tuned hiphop number ... a la T.PAIN. [We used a TC HeliconCl pedal, but anything that gives a hard autotune will work.] During the number, Ricky has a Robot Head circa 1950's boxy vintage toy variety, he moves like a robot throughout) Yo, this is a song to tell you that what you is, is what you got! And I'm here to say that: (auto-tuned) I AM THE MONEY WHAT YOU IS, IS WHAT YOU GOT AND I AM THE MONEY CONSTANCE (auto-tuned) TAKE A LOOK BABY HE'S THE REAL CA-CHING MISCHA (raps) LOUNGING WITH MY HOMIES, FRIDAY NIGHT SCENE ENSEMBLE HO MISCHA THE PLAYSTATION'S UP ON MY 60-INCH SCREEN MCNUGGET'S IN THE BAG, CRISTAL'S ON TAP NEW TOOTHBRUSH FROM TIFF ANY'S (auto-tuned) STILL IN THE BUBBLE RAP TRACK LIGHTS GLOWING LIKE NUCLEAR SCIENCE IS SPARKLING ALL OVER MY STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES I'M SHINING LIKE MIDAS, I'M THE KING OF CA-CHING EVERYTHING I TOUCH GOES MISCHA (CONT'D) (auto-tuned) BLING BLING BLING ENSEMBLE HO MISCHA (auto-tuned/sung) MY LIFE IS AWESOME THIS BEAT IS AWESOME RICKY (auto-tuned) ROBOTS ARE AWESOME CONSTANCE (auto-tuned) TAKE A LOOK BABY HE'S THE REAL CA-CHING MISCHA (auto-tuned) AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN MY LIFE IS AWESOME ENSEMBLE HO MISCHA (auto-tuned) THIS HOOK IS AWESOME RICKY (auto-tuned) ROBOTS ARE AWESOME MISCHA (raps) THEN WE'RE ROLLIN IN MY CIVIE WITH THE PUMPED UP BASS ENSEMBLE HO! MISCHA BLUE LIGHTS GLOWIN', THE VIPERS ON MY FACE WE PASSING 'ROUND THE CHRONIC, WE PARTY ALL NIGHT WE START TO GET THE MUNCHIES, SO WE STOP FOR A BITE CRUISE INTO THE LOT OF THE HARD ROCK CAFE HERE COME THE HOTTIES, HERE COME THE VALET THE FRONT OF THE LINE, WE DON'T NEED ID CONSTANCE "Your usual table, sir?" MISCHA (auto-tuned) IN THE VIP, YO! ENSEMBLE HO! MISCHA (auto-tuned/sung) MY LIFE IS AWESOME THIS BEAT IS AWESOME RICKY (auto-tuned) ROBOTS ARE AWESOME CONSTANCE (auto-tuned) TAKE A LOOK BABY, HE'S THE REAL CA-CHING MISCHA (auto-tuned) AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN MY LIFE IS AWESOME ENSEMBLE HO MISCHA (auto-tuned) AUTOTUNE IS AWESOME RICKY (auto-tuned) 01, 01, 011 (MISCHA unbuttons his shirt, women produce a Jan and he 'Ushers-out'.) MISCHA (auto-tune/rap) IT1S TIME TO START THE PARTY BUT THERE AIN 1T NOP ARTY HERE YET ENSEMBLE HO! MISCHA (auto-tune) SO WE GOT TO TAKE A RIDE IN MY BRAND NEW LEAR JET FEELING HOMESICK FOR MY HOMIES IN UKRAINE LANDING IN KIEV BEFORE WE FINISH OFF THE CHAMPAGNE ROLL TO THE CLUB WHERE THE RICH KIDS GO THEM EUROTRASH BITCHES ALL CHECKING OUT MY FLOW ALL KINDS OF HOTTIES, FROM ALL 1ROUND THE WORLD BUT I FEEL THIS PAIR OF EYES, AND THEN I SEE THIS GIRL (auto-tune/rap) SHORT-AY. .. My rage has subsided. A moment. (MISCHA transforms, softens. Whispering) I am vulnerable now. (Mischa takes out his phone, swipes. A slide comes up of Yulia Tymoshenko.) MISCHA (CONT'D) This is Yulia Tymoshenko, the most beautiful former prime minister of Ukraine. My girlfriend styles her hair just like Yulia. (Mischa swipes. Slide of Talia appears.) My girlfriend: Natalia Muruska Bolinska. #14TALIA (We now see a video of Talia standing in the bucolic splendor of her wedding dress. What follows is a dream ballet between MISCHA and his love. Cymbal crash in BT cues the beginning of the video of Talia in wedding dress .... ) My divine Talia ... when I look into your almond eyes, I do not see the boy I am, but the man I must become to possess you. I want to take all the pain from your soul, and in the passion factory of my heart, transform it into functional joy. I want to take your hand by the Cheremosh River and with all Ukraine as witness, take you as my wife. And we shall sing and dance and drink. .. and then I shall whisper in your ear, "let rivers run wild or let them be damned ... " My perfect Talia, I lay my masculinity at the altar of your maidenhood. ENSEMBLE (TRACKED) AHHHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHH (Song and folkloric dance: a wedding scene with video of Talia projected on white fabric which is used as a veil and a table as well as onto the white skirts worn by the female characters and long white skirts that can used as projection surfaces. Lyrics are simply 'Talia' and 'la-la's.') TAL-IAAA-EH! TAL-IAAA-EH! TAL-IAAA-EH! TAL-IAAA-EH! TAL-IAAA TAL-IAAA TAL-IAAA AHAHAHAH LALA LALA LALALALALA LALA LALA LALALALALA LALA LALA LALALALAAH KO-HAI-YU-00 YA-TE-BE KO. HAI-YUOO TALIA,OHMY TALIA MY TALIA TE-BE-KO. HAI-YU OH MY LOVE LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LALA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LALA LAHEY LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LALA LAHEY WOMEN MEN MISCHA ENSEMBLE ENSEMBLE (CONT'D) LA LALA LALA LALA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LALA LAHEY LA LALA LALA LALA LA MISCHA LALA LALA LALA LALA LALA LALA LA WOMEN TALIA TALIA TALIA TALIA TALIA TALIA TALIA MEN LALA LALA LALA LALA LA LALA LALA LALALALALA LALA LALA LALALALALA LALA LALA LALA LALA LA LALA LALA LALA LALA LA LALA LALA LALALALALA KO-HAI YU-00 YA-TE BE-KO. HAI-YU.00 TALIA OH,MY TALIA MY, TALIA TE-BE.KO-HAI-YU AH TALIA MY DARLING TALIA MY DARLING TALIA MYDARLING TALIA MY DARLING LALA LALA LALALALAAH TALIA AH LALA LALA LALA LALA TALIA MEN (CONT'D) MISCHA WOMEN MEN MEN (CONT'D) AH LALA LALA LA LALA TALIA AH LA LALA LALA TALIA AH MISCHA OH,MYLOVE OH OH OH OH (The lights shift to become a techno/disco.) TRACKED VOCAL I WANNA GIT WIT YOU BABY I WANNA GIT WIT YOU BABY HEY!HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!HEY! HEY!HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY (Everyone leaves the stage, and MISCHA appears to enter the video projection, joining hands with Talia as they run away into a field.) MISCHA TALIA, OH MY LOVE TRACKED ENSEMBLE AH (The song ends leaving MISCHA staring at his phone. Long Beat. 1 The cast gathers round MISCHA who is clearly lost in sadness ... not really knowing what to say. Noel touches MISCHA 1s shoulder. Mischa hugs Noel with deep affection and sadness Noel 1 awkwardly hugs him at first but as Mischa stifled cries move him. He holds him in a true embrace of friendship.) OCEAN Look at us alt bonding ... not even thinking about who we will vote for. Cut down in our youth 1 we all died virgins. (LX Follow spot goes over to CONSTANCE1 light snap) KARNAK Constance? CONSTANCE (Terrified) What? KARNAK Just thought this seemed like a perfect segue. CONSTANCE For what? .. .I don't even know what you're talking about .... (Kids stare at her, she is horrified.) KARNAK Not ready to divulge that information just yet? CONSTANCE .. .I don't um ... Ocean! Why aren't you talking right now, it's weird. OCEAN What? That's ridiculous, I don't talk all the time. Like I'm all about the empathy here tonight gang ... look at me, empathizing with you all right now. (She forms a wane smile, she has clearly practiced for years.) MISCHA Yo, Ricky, you go next. Why don't you express your truth as the boy who couldn't talk .. AND who now plays the accordion like the most world most celebrated accordion player MISCHA (CONT'D) (To himself) ... whatever the hell that dude's name is ... RICKY I don't think people could handle what I have to say. CONSTANCE Just go ahead. It's fine. (Kids rhubarb words of encouragement) RICKY Okay ... (pause, gathering thoughts) I guess you could say I'm pretty sexy on another planet. Lo, I'm the prophet from the Zolarian Starcluster, supreme of those beings that evolved from cats. There are seven suns on the planet Zolar, so the gravitational pull makes everything harder, longer, wider ... (Whispered to Ocean) ... wetter. (OCEAN grasps her tunic, by the power of the SABM's voice.) OCEAN WHO even are you right now?! RICKY I'm telling you, Monkey Love Drop ... #14A RICKY STING I'M JUST A SWINGING, SP ACE AGE, BACHELOR MAN #14B RICKY'S BUMPER KARNAK Ricky Potts, born June 5th. Gemini: the dual nature. (RICKY pulls the lever ... photomontage, however his personal pictures are soon replaced with classic origin scenes from comic books: Superman lifting the car as a kids. Spidey in the lab getting bit, Bruce Wayne standing over his dead parents, the Silver Surfer, etc.). KARNAK (CONT'D) Favourite ride, the Gravitron. (He does the motion of the Gravitron. Mischa enters as Ricky's father, the pastor, wearing a cravat, large Jim Jones sunglasses and a midway booth stuffed snake, preaching ... ) Born of a semi-renowned Pentecostal pastor, Richard at a young age toured the province with his father, spreading the good news, speaking in tongues, and handling their saw-scaled Viper Snake, JoJo. The bad news was that after witnessing JoJo give his father a lethal bite during a rousing sermon, Richard was thoroughly traumatized, and lost his power of speech. (RICKY stands centre stage, transforming tothe state after his father has been bitten. NOEL and CONSTANCE enter as RICKY'S elderly grandparents) Moving in with his grandparents, who were collectively 180 years old, his life consisted of feeding their 19 cats and reading the comic books he got for his birthday. Well meaning but dotty with age, Richard's grandparents celebrated his 8th birthday every two weeks, until he was seventeen. Patronized, pushed around, and condescended to in high school, far from growing bitter, Richard developed an elaborate playground in his synapses, where he became his own best friend. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the fantasia of Richard Potts, the most imaginative boy in town. #15 SP ACE AGE BACHELOR MAN (Throughout this song, RICKY shifts between his meeker self and his heroic persona. A suggestion for the mood of these shifts will be indicated in brackets) RICKY (Meekly) YOU MIGHT SEE BEFORE YOU AN ORDINARY MAN HA! AN EARTHLY ILLUSION ALL AP ART OF THE COSMIC PLAN YES, LONG AGO, THEY VISITED THOSE OTHERS FROM OUTER SP ACE INFORMED ME I'M THE CHOSEN ONE TO SA VE THE ZOLARIAN RACE It's true. Listen ... (Band kicks in. Clap, Clap) MISCHA & NOEL (as aliens) RICKY, WE ARE A DISTANT GALAXY A GALAXY GREATLY IN NEED OF YOUR GROOVE, YOUR KINK-O-MATIC POWERS YES WE NEED YOUR FREAK-TASTIC SEED RICKY (Meekly) THEY TOOK ME THEN, TO THEIR DAUGHTERS REALM THE LAND OF THE KITTY CAT STAR I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD THE LEGENDS OF THE SEXY CAT WOMEN FROM ZOLAR ENSEMBLE AHHH,AHHH AHHH,AHHH AHHH,AHHH (Clap, Clap) CONSTANCE, JANE, OCEAN ME-OW, ME-OW CONSTANCE ( sexy whisper) Make love to me, Ricky. CONSTANCE, JANE, OCEAN ME-OW, ME-OW RICKY (Meekly) Uh ... ok. OCEAN (sexy, pleading) And there's one more thing ... won't you please save our galaxy! RICKY (big pause, noncommitally) ... sure? (Heroically) WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN MY PLACE? A MERE MORTAL MAN? THE FATE OF A GALAXY BEFORE YOU MILLIONS OF LIVES IN YOUR HAND? THE NAUGHTY DAUGHTERS OF THE REALM ALL HUNGRY FOR MY CHI YOU'D NEVER GUESS THE ROLE I PLAYED IN ZOLARIAN HISTORY I'M JUST A SWINGIN' SPACE AGE BACHELOR MAN ENSEMBLE AHHH,AHHH AHHH,AHHH AHHH,AHHH AHHH,AHHH AHHH AHHH,AHHH (Dance beat starts in ... ) RICKY Let's dance kitties! (During the dance Ricky and Cat Women from Zalar go behind the curtain. Music is a kinky dance romp, 16 bars long, with ping panging "meows," growing in intensity.) PRE -TRACKED RICKY (FOR COSTUME CHANGE) MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW WOOF PRE-TRACKED CONSTANCE, JANE, OCEAN MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW TRACKED FOURSOME MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW RICKY (1 bar of beat) (Meekly) It gets weird now ... MISCHA, NOEL (as aliens) RICKY, YOU'VE LAIN WITH OUR DAUGHTERS YOU'RE OUR HERO, OUR SAVING GRACE BUT NOW THERE IS A NEW CHALLENGE FORZOLARIA TO FACE (Curtain rises, revealing Ricky in an amazing space outfit circa 1970's David Bowie.) RICKY (Heroically) FOR THEY'RE AT WAR WITH K-9 COUNT DOG-U-LOUS THAT SON OF A BITCH THE GENERALS ARE ALL STANDING BY ENSEMBLE (Maybe EXCEPT JANE; due to costume change) AHHH,AHHH AHHH THAT SON OF A BITCH AHHH,AHHH TELL US RICKY, SHOULD WE PULL THE SWITCH? (Clap, Clap) CONSTANCE, OCEAN, GANE) ME-OW, ME-OW RICKY (Meekly) Oh my goodness, what have I gotten myself into?! CONSTANCE, OCEAN, GANE) ME-OW, ME-OW RICKY (Meekly) I mean, why are they asking me, I'm a lover not a fighter .. .I thought I told them ... (Heroically) I'M JUST A SWINGIN' SPACE AGE BACHELOR MAN ENSEMBLE AHHH AHHH,AHHH (Drum fills for 80's pop ballad set up.) RICKY And so I told them ... I AM JUST A MAN A SP ACE AGE MAN, THAT'S ALL I AM BUT I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND, ALL YOUR HANDS WHILE WE MAKE LOVE TONIGHT I HA VE NO DESIRE TO RULE THE GALAXY OH TO HOLD YOU CLOSE IT'S ENOUGH FOR ME MAKING LOVE IN ZERO GRA VITY-Y-Y-YA-00000 (Riffs) YOU'RE MY CATNIP YOU'RE THE MOST YOU'RE SUCH PRETTY, GRITTY KITTIES I WANNA BE, YOUR SCRA-HATCHIN' POST LET ME BE, LET ME BE LET ME BE ENSEMBLE 000, 000, 000 000, 000, 000 MAKIN' LOVE, MAKIN' LOVE MAKIN' LOVE, OH JUST LOVE ZOLAR MAKIN' LOVE, MAKIN' LOVE MAKIN' LOVE, OH JUST LOVE ZOLAR MAKIN' LOVE, MAKIN' LOVE MAKIN' LOVE, OH JUST LOVE ZOLAR MAKIN' LOVE, MAKIN' LOVE MAKIN' LOVE, OH JUST LOOOVE RICKY (Meekly) And they listened. And they heard my message. For I was singing notes that only cats or cat people could hear. AG#, 5 octaves above middle C. (Music stops, Pause, cats react. One cat sprays itself with a bottle of hairspray.) RICKY (CONT'D) Incredible. Peace was restored. I guess that's what happens (heroic switch) when you're a ... SWINGIN' SPACE AGE BACHELOR MAN SOICAMEBACKTOEARTH TO SHOW YOU THE WAY TO LEAD YOU PRETTY PEOPLE TO A BRIGHTER DAY WE CAN SA VE THE WHOLE GALAXY WITH LOVE FROM THE HEART! AND SEXY CAT LADIES IS WHERE WE GOTTA START YES, I CAME BACK TO THIS ROCK WITH MY LOVE AND MY SEED LADIES, YOUGOTWHATIWANT AND YOU KNOW I'VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED CAUSE I'M A SWINGING SPACE AGE BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA ENSEMBLE AHHH AHHH,AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH ENSEMBLE (CONT'D) AHHH AHHH AHHH AHHH AH AHHHHHHH-AH KIDS BACH! LOR! MAN! MEOW MISCHA Dude, you are so awesome in the afterlife! RICKY (Meekly) I'm the same person I always was, it's just no one ever listened to me on earth. MISCHA We'll listen to you now, Space Jesus .. RICKY I guess all I have to say is this: if sacred places are spared the ravages of war ... then make all places sacred. And if the holy people are to be kept harmless from war ... then make all people holy. NOEL ... did you write that? RICKY No, it was the Silver Surfer. CONSTANCE I am so happy right now! I can never come down! JANE My turn. CONSTANCE Awwman #15A JANE DOE'S BUMPER KARNAK Jane Doe, the one unidentified body of the Cyclone roller coaster disaster. (JANE goes to pull the lever, nothing happens.) Everyone knew everyone in Uranium, but no one could recall this member of the choir. There were rumors of a girl who joined at the last minute but as the choir conductor Father Markus died of a heart attack seven hours after the accident, there was no one left to verify. Some believe that perhaps she was never in the choir at all. I never read her fortune, I sadly cannot tell you. All one knows for certain is that a body was found in a Saint Cassian uniform, without a head. So, a mystery. #16 THE BALLAD OF JANE DOE (This following number the children are dressed in funeral garb, with bowler hats and trench coats to conceal them and their faces ... almost like faceless Magritte figures.) JANE SOME MIGHT SAY WE'RE RELEASED PUSHING DAISIES, DECEASED BUT WE ALL KNOW THE WORMS MUST BE FED THERE'S JUST ONE LINGERING FEAR OH MY SOUL, IS IT HERE? OR IS IT ROTTING SOMEWHERE WITH MY HEAD? OH MY SOUL OHMYSOUL OH MY SOUL OH MY SOUL 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 AHAHHH ENSEMBLE BUPBUPBAH BUPBUPBAH BUPBUPBAH AHHH ENSEMBLE (CONT'D) 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 AHHH (Curtain is slowly open-ended to reveal a funeral picture. The children with umbrellas create a silhouette of a family at a grave on a rainy day. Their backs are to the audience) JANE OH NO SOUL1 AND NO NAME AND NO STORY1 WHAT A SHAME CRUEL EXISTENCE WAS ONLY A SHAM? OH ST. PETER LET ME IN YOU MUST KNOW WHERE JIVE BEEN? WON'T YOU TELL ME AT LAST WHO I AM? WHO I AM WHO I AM WHO I AM WHO I AM 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 AHAHHH ENSEMBLE BUPBUPBAH BUPBUPBAH BUPBUPBAH AHHH 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 AHAHHH (The children slowly move from their funeral vignette, with a broken mechanical doll quality to several podiums, mechanically forming grief poses) JANE AND FROM THE GROUND, BENEATH MY FEET I HEAR THE ANGUISH OF THE STREET ENSEMBLE A CHOIR NEVER COMPLETE JANE AND LIKE AN OLD FORGOTTEN TUNE ASONGTHATNOONEKNOWS FORGOT HOW IT GOES JUST JOHN AND ME FOREVER, ETERNALLY, JANE DOE (As the beat kicks in, this next sequence is staged to feel that all the rides in the warehouse are coming tolife, creating the image of a fairground at night. All the children's umbrellas light up with LED's: a large patio umbrella lights up making it look like a carousel, another umbrella looks like a Ferris wheel, another closed umbrella that lights up to resemble the Salt and Pepper shaker. The CYCLONE sign, the Proscenium, and any practical that can light up in the context of design, lights up now) AND I'M ASKING WHY LORD? IF THIS IS HOW I DIE, LORD WHY BE LEFT WITH NO FAMILY AND NO FRIENDS? I'VE GOT NO CELEBRATION JUST THIS CONSOLATION TIME EATS ALL HIS CHILDREN IN THE END ENSEMBLE WHY LORD? DIE, LORD 000000000 BRATION LATION (arpeggio riffing) AHHHHHHHH A MELODY FLOATS THROUGH THE AIR WHEN SILENCE FALLS, DOES NO ONE CARE ENSEMBLE DOES ANYONE CARE? JANE ANOTHER SAD, FORGOTTEN TUNE ANOTHER SONG THAT NO ONE KNOWS SO THAT'S HOW IT GOES? JUST JOHN AND ME FOREVER ETERNALLY, JANE DOE ENSEMBLE AND SHE'S ASKING, WHY LORD? JANE WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY ... ? ENSEMBLE THIS IS NO WAY TO DIE, LORD JANE NO ONE TO SING, NO ONE TO SIGH NOW THAT ALL IS SAID AND DONE ISN'T THERE ANYONE TO TELL ME WHO I AM? ENSEMBLE 00000000 JANE AHAHAHAH AAHAHH ENSEMBLE NO SINGING SONGS OF CELEBRATION JUST THIS SORRY SPECULATION JANE LIKE JOHN I'LL BE, ETERNALLY A FORGOTTEN NAME, SOME LOST REFRAIN JUST JANE JA-ANE DOE 62 ENSEMBLE A MELODY FLOATS THROUGH THE AIR WHEN SILENCE FALLS, DOES NO ONE CARE? JANE!DOE #16A THE BALLAD OF JANE DOE PLAYOFF (CONSTANCE lights a cupcake with a birthday candle in the darkness. Silence. OCEAN walks up and puts a birthday hat on JANE.) KIDS (EXCEPT JANE) (Gently, delicately, like singing to a baby in a crib) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CONSTANCE Hmmmmmm ... OCEAN Ah ... that song's so over played. We'll come up with something better. j #17 THE NEW BIRTHDAY SONG AND UNDERSCORE (RICKY at the glockenspiel/harmonium/whatever. OCEAN starts singing, teaching all the New Birthday Song. They slowly join in over the first round until they are full swing.) OCEAN (feeling like the song is being composed on the spot, struggling for the words) ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE (searchingly) FOUR? THIS IS THE NEW SONG WE SING FOR BIRTHDAYS KIDS (EXCEPT JANE) BOUNCY AND MERRY AND NOT QUITE AS SCARY THE NEW BIRTHDAY SONG (They dance around JANE. The song ends and CONSTANCE offers JANE the cupcake.) CONSTANCE It's a cupcake. For you. (JANE stares at her then takes the cupcake and walks away. Cross.fade to RICKY and JANE playing with a glockenspiel.) JANE How do we know it's my birthday? RICKY ... How do we know it's not your birthday? JANE People have names on pretend birthdays, too. RICKY You could call yourself Savannah ... JANE What's a Savannah? RICKY Savannah is a special name I was saving up, but you can have it. 1Cause everything I've been saving has to go. It's a fire sale in my brain, and everything must go, by (echo in his voice) m-m-m-midnight. JANE I like Savannah. RICKY You can have her. JANE Can Savannah have the greenest eyes? RICKY Yes. JANE .. .Savannah ... with the greenest eyes. (Cross fade to MISCHA and NOEL. MISCHA takes a swig from a vodka bottle then offers it to NOEL.) MISCHA Drink? NOEL Where'd you get that? MISCHA (Shrugs) It's birthday. (NOEL chugs vodka.) NOEL (takes a deep swig) I've never been drunk before .... (takes another swig) or kissed a man. Thank you. MISCHA Budmo! (translating) May we live forever .... (Smiling at each other bittersweetly) And your life was tragic. Cut down before the poems could ever come out of you. You are tragic. NOEL You think so? MISCHA (Sincerely) You make me weep just looking at you. So, so tragic ... NOEL That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. (Cross fade to ... ) CONSTANCE ... That was nice of you ... throwing that party for that girl like that. OCEAN It's what I do. Strange, in our predicament she's somehow the saddest. CONSTANCE I totally agree. OCEAN (Sharply turns to CONSTANCE) You're not thinking of voting for her, are you? CONSTANCE No, I'm voting for you! Naturally! Of course! Ocean ... um ... do you think you'd ever kind of like ... vote for me? OCEAN Of course I would, you're my best friend ... but it's by a unanimous vote ... so I kind of have to ... CONSTANCE (Flatly) Vote for yourself. OCEAN (grabs CONSTANCE's hand) You know I envy you? CONSTANCE No you don't, Ocean. OCEAN No I do ... I mean I got straight A's since I was in grade one. I was working toward something. I was building a life. You, you were satisfied doing nothing, making cupcakes ... eating them. You are what the Taoists call an 'uncarved block.' CONSTANCE (incredulous but restrained) I'm a block? OCEAN Just learn to take a compliment. CONSTANCE (seething) Thanks ... OCEAN I thought my life had meaning, turns out it didn't. Oh well, joke's on me ... (sobbing) My death has really affected me. CONSTANCE (gritting) Yeah, me too. OCEAN (sobbing uncontrollably) Naturally, my death has affected you -can't you just listen for once without making it about yourself? (CONSTANCE punches OCEAN in the boob. Music stops.) OWCH! You just punched me! ... in the frickin' boob! CONSTANCE (Not sorry) Sorry. #17 A CONSTANCE'S BUMPER KARNAK Constance Blackwood, born November 14th. Scorpio: the secret nature. (CONSTANCE pulls the lever ... photomontage.) KARNAK (CONT'D) Favorite ride: The Cyclone. The only honor Constance Blackwood was to receive in her short lifetime was 'nicest girl in homeroom'. Three years in a row. An award she secretly threw in the dumpster behind her local Kentucky Fried Chicken on her way home. When the children of St. Cassian signed Constance's yearbook, they wrote things like ... RICKY ... Wow, you seemed so nice ... KARNAK ... Or ... NOEL .. .I never really met you -you seemed friendly. KARNAK Those pages in Constance's yearbook were carefully removed with an exacto knife. And burnt. Constance Blackwood, the nicest girl in town. CONSTANCE (Bluntly, frankly) So I lost my virginity to a carnie in a port-o-potty before I died. Like three hours before. It was kind of porno. He was like ancient, like thirty-two. And he had this tattoo on his forearm ... it was of two skeletons having sex, and it said, "Born to Bone" on the bottom of it. (LIGHT up on MISCHA wearing the Iron Maiden shirt.) MISCHA (As CARNIE) Isn't my tattoo the stupidest thing you've ever seen? (CONSTANCE laughs.) CONSTANCE I fake laughed when he said that because you should always laugh at guys' jokes, or they'll think you' re a cow. My mom and dad own the Blackwood Cafe in town. It's been in our family since, like forever. The Blackwoods have been in Uranium since they opened the mines ... my family had pride when it came to that. 'Til I went to high school and having pride about our town was only like the lamest thing you could ever think to believe. After a while I started feeling kind of crummy about stuff, like ashamed. At the cafe, I would catch myself looking at my mom thinking, "what a loser, a stupid dead.end loser, in a stupid dead-end town." My parents were good people and all I could do was think horrible things about them. I really wish I never thought those things ... But I got so angry that I was born in the only family in Uranium that raised their kid to think it was okay to do your working, living and dying there. And it just got all kinds of poison after that. Anyway, my virginity ... I just wanted to get it out of the way. I just wanted to do it, so I didn't have to think about doing it anymore. No, actually ... I just wanted to lose it in the most horrible possible way. "Constance the lifer, lost it to a carnie, in a crap box, in a crappy town! Why, of course she did ... " And then I rode the Cyclone with the other kids in the choir ... and that's when the accident happened. #17B GUITAR SUGARCLOUDS UNDERSCORE (With growing intensity and speed throughout, a volcano of memories) We were at the top of the loop, when the roller coaster made this kind of screaming metal sound. Sparks were shooting all over the place. And then the screaming and the sparks just stopped .... and there was like this weightlessness .... My heart jumped like a gazillion beats a second, but I didn't scream like the other kids .... No, I was just soaking it all in,' cause on a certain level it was so rad .... sailing through the air upside down, you could see all the other rides. And it was like something unlocked in me; my heart just welled up with all this love for everything. Images and all this feeling flooded into me. Like climbing back into my bed in the morning and feeling the heat left over from my body, hanging upside down from the monkey bars until my head starts to tingle, smelling jiffy markers, listening to music and dancing around my room before going out to a party and pretending I'm going to have the perfect time, finishing an essay, un-doing a knot, pizza night, Halloween, watching my baby brother dance naked to ABBA, being in the choir at the height of the Hallelujah chorus and feeling all the voices rattle my bones. I started laughing like a crazy person, giddy with endorphins, all dancing leprechauns and rainbows and unicorns, streams of chocolate, whirling rides, flashing lights. CONSTANCE (CONT'D) There's no shame in loving my small town. The only good things that happened to me happened in Uranium. It took a horrible accident for me to realize how goddamn wonderful everything is. #18 JAWBREAKER/SUGARCLOUD CONSTANCE I USED TO THINK THAT LIFE WAS JUST A JAWBREAKER YEAH, YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK SOME MORE YEAH, YOU SUCK SOME MORE AT FIRST IT SEEMS SO SWEET AND THE COLORS COME AND GO LIKE THE SEASONS COME AND GO THE SLUSH AND RAIN AND SNOW 'TIL YOU CAN'T TASTE NO MORE ENSEMBLE 000 000 000 KIDS SO YOU SUCK SOME MORE CONSTANCE I USED TO THINK THAT LIFE WAS JUST A HEART BREAKER THAT JUST BREAKS AND IT BREAKS AND IT BREAKS AND IT BREAKS 'TIL YOU CAN'T BREAK NO MORE 'TIL YOU CAN'T TAKE NO MORE ENSEMBLE AAAAH AAAAH AHHHH YOU CAN'T TAKE NO MORE ENSEMBLE (CONT'D) AHHHHOOOOO AHHHHOOOOO (This next part of the number should feel like a rock concert. CONSTANCE should have a microphone, and MISCHA and NOEL should ideally play trombones. Lighting-wise, this is the brightest number in the show ... imagine the pinkness of the sky gradually giving way to a glorious sunrise.) CONSTANCE I SEE THE WORLD WITH ALL ITS BACKWARDS UPSIDE DOWN THERE'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH BEING THE NICEST GIRL IN TOWN OH EVERYTHING'S CLEAR NOW THAT I'M HERE ON MY SUGAR CLOUD OH MY SOUL IT SINGS A SONG SO SWEET AND PURE I'VE FELT IT ALL ALONG BUT NOW I'M SURE OH EVERYTHING'S LOVE LOOKING DOWN FROM ABOVE ON MY SUGAR CLOUD LET ME TAKE YOU AWAY TO A SKY OF COTTON CANDY ENSEMBLE AHOOSHA LALAAHOO AHOOSHA LALAAHOO AH 00 SHA LA LA AHOO AHOOSHA LA LA, 00 LA LA LA LA LA LA LALAAHH CONSTANCE FL YIN' LIKE A KITE ON A STRING UP UP UP UP AND ABOVE ALL THAT SUGAR COATED DANDY I WOULDN'T CHANGE MY LIFE FORA THING ENSEMBLE AH AHAH WOULDN'T CHANGE MY LIFE FORA THING CONSTANCE IT MAKES ME WANT TO SING CONSTANCE (CONT'D) I SEE THE GOLD, I SEE THE PINK I SEE THE BLUE, THE SUN GOES UP THE SUN GOES DOWN, OH WHAT TO DO? OH EVERYTHING'S CLEAR, NOW THAT I'M HERE ON MY SUGAR CLOUD ENSEMBLE 00 LA LA LA LA LA! ENSEMBLE AH OOH SHA LA LA AH OOH SHA LA LA AH OOH SHA LA LA AH OOH SHA LA LA AH OOH SHA LA LA AH OOH SHA LA LA AH OOH SHA LA LA (Instrumental section. CONSTANCE plays a badass recorder solo.) ENSEMBLE CONSTANCE I USED TO THINK THAT LIFE WAS JUST A (Vocal riffs) JAWBREAKER YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SUCK SOME MORE I USED TO THINK THAT LIFE WAS JUST A HEARTBREAKER KIDS IT BREAKS AND IT TAKES 'TIL YOU CAN'T TAKE NO MORE CONSTANCE AND NOW I'M FLOATING HIGH ON A CLOUD AND I COULD PUKE A RAINBOW ENSEMBLE (rainbow/waterfall-like) AH AH AH AH, LA LA LA LA LA (JANE and OCEAN release confetti cannon over the audience, ideally on beat, following the final LA!. The lights are at their brightest, the sun has risen.) CONSTANCE I SEE THE WORLD WITH ALL ITS BACKWARDS UPSIDE DOWN THERE'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH BEING THE NICEST GIRL IN TOWN OCEAN/JANE OH SHE SEES THE WORLD WITH ALL OF ITS DARK AND ITS LIGHT GUYS ALL OF THE DARKNESS AND ALL OF THE BRIGHT ALL COME TOGETHER IN A BEAUTIFUL LIGHT CONSTANCE EVERYTHING'S CLEAR ON MY SUGAR CLOUD CONSTANCE (CONT'D) OH, NOW EVERYTHING'S LOVE ON MY SUGAR CLOUD OH NOW EVERYTHING'S CLEAR NOW THAT I'M HERE ENSEMBLE YES EV'RYTHING'S CLEAR HERE ON MY SUGAR CLOUD AH 00 SHA LA LA YES EV'RYTHING'S LOVE HERE ON MY SUGAR CLOUD AH 00 SHA LA LA AHOO CONSTANCE ONMY SUGAR CLOUD LOOK AT ME NOW ON MY SUGAR CLOUD ENSEMBLE AH 00 SHA LA LA AH 00 SHA LA LA AH 00 SUGAR CLOUD CONSTANCE Thanks, guys. #18A SUGARCLOUD TRANSITION (In this transition OCEAN holds the hand of CONSTANCE, as if seeing her friend for the first time. She whispers to her wordlessly, ''I'm sorry". They hug) KARNAK Final vote, (SFX: FINAL VOTE TRILL) KARNAK (CONT'D) Ocean Rosenberg. (A light falls on OCEAN, who stares, lost ... clearly moved by CONSTANCE's number ... the other children are suddenly frozen in respective poses in specials-still. Frozen in statues of their characters.) OCEAN Huh? KARNAK It has been decided that you shall have the final vote. OCEAN Over what? KARNAK Who lives or dies. OCEAN ... I thought we all had to vote on that? That's what you told us. KARNAK I've decided the final vote will come down to the one with the highest grade point average. You are the winner. OCEAN That doesn't strike me as very fair. KARNAK In five minutes, all bets are off. OCEAN What happens in five minutes? KARNAK My appointment with a rat named Virgil. And then my death. After that, I'm not entirely sure. OCEAN (CONT'D) Um. ... and if I just vote for myself, what is the moral? If I chose myself ... if I choose myself, the moral of the story is that hum.ans suck. KARNAK That would be a valid interpretation, yes. OCEAN No, no, no we're going to honor the original agreement. We will all vote on who com.es back. #19 DREAM OF JANE'S LIFE (The curtain slowly rises, revealing a majestic light and smoke.) What's that? KARNAK The other side. You merely walk in ... It's easy, just don't look back. .. (beat) I don't mean to rush you, but Time is pressing . OCEAN Look if you could just kindly step off for three seconds. (to herself) "The one who wants to win it the most shall redeem. the loser-in order to complete the whole." (beat) ... you knew all along I could never do it KARNAK What? OCEAN Choose myself. (She looks around the room. She exhales.) (To everyone in the room) OCEAN (CONT'D) It shouldn't be me. (She looks at CONSTANCE who looks at JANE, OCEAN nods) We died young, by total accident. But to say that if one dies young, they die needlessly .that is to discount the years they had. The experiences they had ... I would gladly take my seventeen years over nothing. Who do I vote for? ... The girl who can't remember any of it. Her ... we had a life-she didn't. That's my vote. #19A JANE DOE VIDEO MUSIC BEGINS (Ocean checks in with all the kids, they gently nod in agreement.) Motioned carried. Democracy rocks. KARNAK As you wish. (JANE looks confused as the kids urge her into the proscenium. She enters it, a scrim comes down and we see her transform.) (The children move closer to the screen, which suddenly projects at a dizzying speed. Although the images are shooting by at such a speed, or too abstract for the audience to parse. The children are transfixed singing (no lyrics, just LA LA LA) the melody of IT'S NOT A GAME, dropping out to speak:) Her name is Penny Lamb, born April 7th . Aries: The Lucky Nature. OCEAN IT'S NOT A GAME, MAYBE THAT'S THE NEWS CAUSE NO ONE WILL WIN HERE AND NO ONE CAN LOSE THERE'S NO ONE TO MEASURE OUR FOOLISH PRIDE AND NO ONE KEEPS SCORE OF HOW HARD WE TRIED OCEAN, CONSTANCE THIS RIDE IT HAS HEARTBREAK THIS RIDE IT HAS PAIN OCEAN, CONSTANCE, NOEL ALL KINDS OF BLUE SKIES NO SHORTAGE OF RAIN KIDS (EXCEPT JANE) YES THERE IS LAUGHTER AND THE TELLING OF LIES AND MAYBE IN DARKNESS WE OPEN OUR EYES AND YOU GIVE AND CHOOSE WHILE YOU LOVE AND LOSE AND YOU FEEL THE WORLD IS SPINNING WITH NO ENDING OR BEGINNING YOU JUST TAKE A LOOK AROUND TAKE A LOOK AROUND TAKE A LOOK AROUND AND 'ROUND AND 'ROUND AND 'ROUND (As this ends and the children gather together to brace for their end, a countdown appears on the screen like in an old super 8 film ... 10 ... 9 ... 8 washes over the stage.) KARNAK And now you're probably wondering what happens next. .. (7 ... 6) That, I couldn't possibly tell you ... (5 ... 4) But I do know this for certain ... (3) After reading thousands of human fortunes ... (2) My final insight is ... (1) (Suddenly a flurry of fortunes Karnak has given over his life overlap: "You will get a promotion", "Be sure to Ride the Cyclone", "Your love will last", "The truth is on your side" etc.) (fully comprehensible) KARNAK (CONT'D) Your lucky number is seven. You will soar to great heights. Be sure to Ride the Cyclone. (KARNAK is dead, but the children remain huddled together, heavy breathing. Light shift. OCEAN breaks off from the children in contemplation ... the children are baffled that they are still around ... after KARNAK died? Where are they? What's next? They are elated and terrified all at the same time. They gradually build up the courage tosing.) #20 SAILING THROUGH SP ACE REPRISE CONSTANCE WE'RE JUST KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN) SAILING THROUGH SP ACE MISCHA THERE'S NO KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN) UP OR DOWN NOEL so KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN) BEAUTIFUL AND STRANGE RICKY BUT IT'S KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN) MORE THAN SPINNING 'ROUND (glocl, echoes) KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN CONT'D) YES, IT'S EVERYTHING YOU LOVED AND EVERYTHING YOU DREAMED AND EVERYTHING YOU SHARED AND EVERYTHING THAT SEEMED SO OH SO TERRIFYING #21 IT'S JUST A RIDE OCEAN BUT IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A GAME KIDS (EXCEPT OCEAN, JANE) WHOANONO IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S NOT A GAME KIDS IT'S JUST A RI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IDE! WOO IT'S JUST A RI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IDE WE'RE ALL JUST SAILING THROUGH SP ACE THERE'S NO UP, THERE'S NO DOWN IT'S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL AND STRANGE BUT SO MUCH MORE THAN SPINNING ROUND YES IT'S EVERYTHING YOU LOVED AND IT'S EVERYTHING YOU DREAMED AND IT'S EVERYTHING YOU SHARED AND IT'S EVERYTHING THAT SEEMED SO OH SO TERRIFYING TURN IT ROUND IT'S JUST A RI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IDE! WO IT'S JUST A RI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IDE AND THE WORLD WILL KEEP ON SPINNING WITH NO ENDING OR BEGINNING SO JUST TAKE A LOOK AROUND TAKE A LOOK AROUND TAKE A LOOK AROUND KIDS (EXCEPT JANE) AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND 80 JANE I KNOW THIS DREAM OF LIFE IS NEVER ENDING IT GOES AROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AGAIN (The children disappear from the stage, we see the curtain shoot up with the eternity light with only the sound of howling wind for a brief moment ... The curtain suddenly shoots down with the sound of the roller coaster track, the instant it hits the floor, snap blackout.) THEEND #22BOWS #23 EXIT MUSIC